New Year’s wishlist

How many people gave up smoking or vowed to go to the gym more often at midnight on December 31st? Millions, probably. And by making their intentions public (usually in a blaze of sparkling wine) they also reduced their chances of success by at least 50%.

New Year’s resolutions are over-rated. Well-intentioned, certainly, but almost always wrapped in cheap but cheerful paper and made on a Chinese production line. Rarely are they well-considered, let alone planned.

Here are some resolutions for cricket in 2012. Like most people’s, they will struggle to get off the ground.

*An international Cricket Board will stand up to the BCCI on the subject of the UDRS and refuse to play, if necessary until the Indians fall into line with the rest of the world and accept that an improvement in umpiring standards can only benefit the game. (Likelihood: 0.5%)

*The players themselves, through their international body FICA, demand that India accept the use of the UDRS in all series, home and away, or they will have to play all future series against Pakistan, Zimbabwe and India ‘A’ – the only other teams not affiliated to FICA. (Likelihood: 2%)

*A clear and unambiguous succession plan for Mark Boucher is laid out for the great man himself to see and digest – as well as for his potential heirs. Heino Kuhn or Daryn Smit goes to New Zealand and England and takes over the gloves if Boucher does not perform to the required standard. Then, one of the country’s Franchise ‘keepers (hopefully Kuhn or Smit) makes an unequivocal case for the inheritance of the gloves. (Likelihood: 70%)

*Dale Steyn helps Morne Morkel learn the art of the uber-disguised slower ball and, together with the ability to become really nasty on the field (courtesy of Steyn’s tuition once again) Morkel suddenly starts returning the Philanderesque figures that his talent merits. (Likelihood: 70%)

*Albie Morkel is welcomed back from the cold and, with the help of Gary Kirsten and Paddy Upton, becomes one of the most destructive ODI and T20 batsman in the world for the next two or three years. (Likelihood: 15%)

*The ICC recognise that, in its current format, the game’s governing body is nothing more than a self-serving, short-term, short-sighted institution in which each member nation is driven by nothing more than the selfish fulfilment of its own needs. They resolve to restructure the executive committees with five, fulltime directors ensuring that best business practise is adhered to and that a plan for the next 15-20 years is structured and followed. (Likelihood: 0%)

*All of South Africa’s administrators hold their ‘Truth and Reconciliation’ commission at which they admit their shortcomings, apologise for their misjudgments and vow to work for the advancement of the game and its players rather than themselves. (Likelihood: 1%)

*South Africa’s T20 squad learn to trust their instincts and their talent at the T20 World Cup in Sri Lanka in September and don’t fall into the trap of over-analysis. They win the tournament. Hang on a minute, steady on. They reach the final. (Likelihood: 40%)

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